Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
You Might Also Like
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
October already? What’s next? November????
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me