ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
You Might Also Like
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
(yawn)
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.