Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

Adultry does not sound fun at all