Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?