Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
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Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Muppet Screams
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”