ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Duolingo getting serious.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.