me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
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When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Coffee is ready.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
How long do you have to wait between naps?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.