Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Me trying to look natural in photos
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language