ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.