Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
The three genders.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”