Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
based al yankovic
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*