ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.