me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Comparing yourself to others
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
ok this is my dumbest yet
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
rapatouille