Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
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The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Basketball
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Home is where your toilet is.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row