Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone

My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

*serious situation*

My brain:

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).