Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
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i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
huge if true: the moon
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car