Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
You Might Also Like
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.