ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
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It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
When I pack too much for a short trip.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.