me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
You Might Also Like
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Bootstraps
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I enjoy a good short stor
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes