Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…