Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
the last thing a carrot sees
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it