Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Sniffing the broccoli
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them