Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst