Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Twitter fine art
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
i meant to share this earlier
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl