Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You Might Also Like
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes