ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
#Caturday
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”