Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea