Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
🤣🤣