Me đ
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me đ
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Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
same energy
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
I ate everything, including the H.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
my mom is doing what sheâs calling âthe parade of pies:â walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go âooooh, looks goodâ before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense itâs not going away
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I canât Iâve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] hereâs that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you Iâd come through
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CANâT WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said âHey guys, letâs get this custard drunk!â
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN