Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.