@3sunzzz

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

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@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@mdob11

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

@shanethevein

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

@_wangwe

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@ripstiklesbian

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@Gre_Gone

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

@Death_Buddy

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight