Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
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Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.