@ArfMeasures *sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
@3sunzzz Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
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@ArfMeasures 
@Smooheed I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
@LoveNLunchmeat I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
@junejuly12 OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
@MrGeorgeWallace Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
@Brampersandon_ MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
@SardonicTart 10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
@thrill_tweeter Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
@AngryRaccoon2 My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”