Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.


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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*


I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien


I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.


OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line


Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.


MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol


10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?


Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”


Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”


My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”