ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
My dad is at it again