@imteddybless

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

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@hythemafia

Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”

“No.”

@Heatinblack

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

@gabbazaba

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

@KentWGraham

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@WhatsHerFace33

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

@BuckyIsotope

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

@donnie_fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on