my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

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Job interview…

Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”

“That’s correct.”

“Would you like to elaborate?”



See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket


i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered


I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.


By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.


If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁


CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.


[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on