me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.