ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
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there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything