Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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stand with me against insufficient seating
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
So, can we agree on 4 or
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice