me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine