Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
sir, my pâté if you please
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
The first matador
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.