Me My dog
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The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night