Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.