me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.