me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater