Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money