me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I support this random dude and all his protests
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family