Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Knock Knock
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…