@samalmightysam My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
@KeanuWithClips Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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@samalmightysam 
@vladchoc The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
@GrillinChillin9 Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
@KizerBillhelm Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
@daemonic3 The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
@HollyHeals I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
@EJGomez if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
@rebrafsim Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
@urmumsausername *Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
@Dani_Feld A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…