Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
You Might Also Like
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…