My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?
HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…