@KeanuWithClips

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

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@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@vladchoc

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@EJGomez

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

@urmumsausername

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

@Dani_Feld

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…