@iAmJuddy Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
@KeanuWithClips Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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@iAmJuddy 
@KimmyMonte My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
@Love_bug1016 I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
@SteveSuckington “Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
@burntmybagel Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
@nevernicethings “Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
@tamagotchimilf i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
@MythicPicnic Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
@chopper4jk Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
@UncleDuke1969 “Great, now I have to pee.”
