Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.


My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram


I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.


“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that


Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.


i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now


Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….