Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
this FaceApp is creepy af
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
idk what this dog had been going through but same
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.