Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.