ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU