me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks