Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.